The Epiphany Cube



I make no sense

Brace yourself, I’m about to shock the world. I don’t know a lot about women. Some times, they even touch mind when they fumble with their own ignorance. Shocking I know.

I’ve always said a color blind child with no arms has a better chance of solving the Rubex Cube, than I have of figuring out how the female brain works.

I’m not going to go on a woman bashing tirade so relax. If anything, I’m going to explain how and why a plethora of guys (me included) become dumbfounded when we have a crush on someone. On occasion we even know the quest to win a woman over is Sisyphean at best, yet we journey on.

I recall one of the many times I was indulging myself with alcoholic beverages at my local tavern. For some reason I became the lucky one to hear one of the many drunks’ problems. Charming fellow, let’s just call him “Bennett” for shits and giggles. He went on and on about how much he was infatuated with this girl and no matter what he did, be it getting into better shape, or things he said to make her laugh, she wouldn’t give him the time of day. I was about to indulge in my twisted sense of humor until I realized I’ve done the same thing. Hell, who hasn’t?

Instead of being a dick, I opened my mind’s eye to offer some advice. I basically told him most of the time when a woman meets you, she usually has some vague idea if she will ever be interested. I asked him how long he’s been trying to win her over and the pour soul told me he’s been on his Herculean quest for almost 2 years. Suddenly it all made sense to me. I only wish I could have given myself the same advice before I was rejected. Why? Because getting shot down by someone you really like fucking sucks. It’s like a happy love sick puppy jumping up and down, only to be smacked down with a wad of newspaper.

Time, is almost never on your side when it comes to the dating scene. I explained to Bennett that it’s not like after a year of pulling every smooth move in the book, the girl is going to wake up one night in a cold sweat and go, “Oh my God, what have I done? I’ve been so stupid. I don’t know why, but for some reason I really like Bennett and I want to suck on his penis.” I was going to stop there, but the poor fellow nodded in what was a combination of understanding and eagerness to hear more. For some reason I was happy to oblige.

With the aid of my colorful drunken vocabulary, I made him understand that most women have no idea what they really want. And if you keep trying to be someone they don’t even know they desire, you’re going to drive yourself loony bin crazy. Learn and move on. It was a broad statement, but I think I pretty much nailed it. Women don’t understand themselves. That’s it. Game over. When it comes to dating, women have no idea why they do the things they do. No clue. Nada. They claim to want men who know what they are looking for while at the same time they don’t even know. CONUNDRUM. I’m willing to bet the women who disagree strongly probably only have a minuscule idea about what they are looking for. It’s probably something they can’t even even put into words. Just imagine a hungry 350 pound slob going to an all you can eat buffet. The person knows they want to eat, but has no fucking clue what they plan to put on the plate.

I don’t know if it was Karma or a drunken epiphany, but serving this drunk some truth I some how was able to get over some of my personal pain and regret. I suppose it took me looking at a similar situation without the emotional chains for my eyes to open.

Dating is hard. Perhaps I should just make up a girlfriend like Manti Te’o.

Ryan McBain

I never understood interventions. What's the point of being told you drink too much from a room full of reasons why you drink in the first place?

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Posted: February 28, 2013 at 11:51 am | by Ryan
Filed under: Personal, Pop Culture
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