{"id":2290,"date":"2012-09-22T04:36:40","date_gmt":"2012-09-22T11:36:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ryanmcbain.com\/flowcheck\/?p=2290"},"modified":"2012-09-22T04:36:40","modified_gmt":"2012-09-22T11:36:40","slug":"a-conservative-history-of-the-united-states","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ryanmcbain.com\/flowcheck\/a-conservative-history-of-the-united-states\/","title":{"rendered":"A Conservative History of the United States"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/center><\/p>\n

This is comedy gold.<\/p>\n

I have to thank Jack Hitt from thenewyorker.com<\/a> for this list of political gems. Even though my brain hurt while reading them, I got a pretty good laugh.<\/p>\n

1500s:<\/strong> The American Revolutionary War begins: \u201cThe reason we fought\u00a0 the revolution in the sixteenth century was to get away from that kind of\u00a0 onerous crown.\u201d\u2014Rick Perry<\/p>\n

1607:<\/strong> First welfare state collapses: \u201cJamestown colony, when it was\u00a0 first founded as a socialist venture, dang near failed with everybody dead and\u00a0 dying in the snow.\u201d\u2014Dick Armey<\/p>\n

1619-1808: Africans set sail for America in search of freedom: \u201cOther\u00a0 than Native Americans, who were here, all of us have the same story.\u201d\u2014Michele\u00a0 Bachmann (This is my favorite one<\/em>)<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

1775:<\/strong> Paul Revere \u201cwarned the British that they weren\u2019t going to be\u00a0 taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding\u00a0 his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going\u00a0 to be secure and we were going to be free.\u201d\u2014Sarah Palin.<\/p>\n

1775:<\/strong> New Hampshire starts the American Revolution: \u201cWhat I love about\u00a0 New Hampshire\u2026 You\u2019re the state where the shot was heard around the\u00a0 world.\u201d\u2014Michele Bachmann<\/p>\n

1776:<\/strong> The Founding Synod signs the Declaration of Independence: \u201c\u2026those fifty-six brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen.\u201d\u2014Mike\u00a0 Huckabee<\/p>\n

1787:<\/strong> Slavery is banned in the Constitution: \u201cWe also know that the\u00a0 very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no\u00a0more in the United States.\u201d\u2014Michele Bachmann<\/p>\n

1801:<\/strong> \u201cThomas Jefferson creates the Marines for the Islamic pirates\u00a0 that were happening.\u201d\u2014Glenn Beck<\/p>\n

1812:<\/strong> The American War for Independence ends: \u201c \u2018The\u00a0 Star-Spangled Banner\u2019\u2026that song\u2014written during the battle in the War of\u00a0 1812\u2014commemorates the sacrifice that won our liberty.\u201d\u2014Mitt Romney<\/p>\n

1861:<\/strong> Civil War breaks out over pitting \u201cindividual rights as\u00a0 proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence against collective\u00a0 rights.\u201d\u2014The Weekly Standard<\/em><\/p>\n

1862:<\/strong> African-Americans join the Confederate Army to defend slavery: \u201cYou\u2019ll find blacks in almost every regiment throughout the South, who fought\u00a0 right alongside white Southerners\u2026 And in almost every case, it was a voluntary decision that the freed blacks made.\u201d\u2014Ray McBerry<\/p>\n

1908:<\/strong> The real Pledge of Allegiance is written: \u201cI pledge allegiance\u00a0 to the Christian flag, and to the Savior, for whose Kingdom it stands, one\u00a0 Savior, crucified, risen, and coming again, with life and liberty for all who\u00a0 believe.\u201d\u2014Dan Quayle<\/p>\n

1916:<\/strong> Planned Parenthood opens genocide clinics: \u201cWhen Margaret\u00a0 Sanger\u2014check my history\u2014started Planned Parenthood, the objective was to put\u00a0 these centers in primarily black communities so they could help kill black\u00a0 babies before they came into the world.\u201d\u2014Herman Cain<\/p>\n

1950:<\/strong> Senator Joseph McCarthy saves America from Communism: \u201cJoe\u00a0 McCarthy was a great American hero.\u201d\u2014Representative Steve King<\/p>\n

1961:<\/strong> Barack Obama is born, in Africa: \u201cAnd one thing that I do know\u00a0 is his having grown up in Kenya.\u201d\u2014Mike Huckabee<\/p>\n

1961:<\/strong> The Soviet Union brainwashes its first Marxist terrorist spybot: \u201cSoviet Russian Communists knew of Barack from a very early date\u2026 he was raised\u00a0 and groomed Communist to pave the way for their future.\u201d\u2014Janet Porter<\/p>\n

1963:<\/strong> G.O.P. clergyman delivers his famous \u201cI have a dream\u201d speech: \u201cIt should come as no surprise that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was a\u00a0 Republican.\u201d\u2014Human Events blog<\/p>\n

1964:<\/strong> Republicans fight for the Civil Rights Act: \u201cWe were the people\u00a0 who passed the civil-rights bills back in the sixties without very much help\u00a0 from our colleagues across the aisle.\u201d\u2014Representative Virginia Foxx<\/p>\n

1967:<\/strong> Indonesia brainwashes its first Islamic terrorist spybot: \u201cWhy\u00a0 didn\u2019t anybody ever mention that that man right there was raised\u2014spent the first\u00a0 decade of his life, raised by his Muslim father\u2014as a Muslim and was educated in\u00a0 a Madrassa?\u201d\u2014Steve Doocy<\/p>\n

1967:<\/strong> Max Cleland blows himself up with a grenade trying to drink\u00a0 beer: \u201cCleland lost three limbs in an accident during a routine noncombat\u00a0 mission where he was about to drink beer with friends.\u201d\u2014Ann Coulter<\/p>\n

1967: <\/strong>John Kerry likely shoots himself in the leg in order to score a\u00a0 Purple Heart medal: \u201cThere are legitimate questions about whether or not\u2026 it was\u00a0 a self-inflicted wound.\u201d\u2014Michelle Malkin<\/p>\n

1968:<\/strong> George W. Bush bravely joins the National Guard: \u201cThis was not\u00a0 an endeavor without risk.\u201d\u2014Bob Harmon<\/p>\n

July 20, 1969:<\/strong> Neil Armstrong makes a historic utterance: \u201cThe first\u00a0 word spoken from the moon was \u2018Houston.\u2019 \u201d\u2014Rick Perry<\/p>\n

1977:<\/strong> America\u2019s capital is briefly moved to Lancaster,\u00a0 Pennsylvania.\u2014Dan Quayle<\/p>\n

1993:<\/strong> Barack Obama appears in the hip-hop video \u201cWhoomp! There It\u00a0 Is!\u201d: \u201cPay close attention to his ears poking out, the shape of his nose, and\u00a0 skin color.\u201d\u2014Tennessee Sons of Liberty<\/p>\n

1993:<\/strong> Hillary Clinton claims her first kill, Vincent Foster\u2014Jerry\u00a0 Falwell video<\/p>\n

1994:<\/strong> Bill Clinton tops Hillary with twenty-four murders: these people\u00a0 died \u201cunder other than natural circumstances.\u201d\u2014 Representative William\u00a0 Dannemeyer.<\/p>\n

1998:<\/strong> Actually, the Clinton murders number forty people: \u201cThere was\u00a0 talk that this would be another body to add to the list of forty bodies or\u00a0 something that were associated with the Clinton Administration.\u201d\u2014Linda\u00a0 Tripp.<\/p>\n

1998:<\/strong> Update: Clinton murders eighty people: \u201cIn recent months, a list\u00a0 of more than 80 deaths associated directly or indirectly with Clinton has been\u00a0 the buzz of the new media.\u201d\u2014Joseph Farah<\/p>\n

1999:<\/strong> Global cooling begins: \u201cFor the last decade the climate has been\u00a0 cooling.\u201d\u2014Mary Matalin<\/p>\n

September 11, 2001:<\/strong> Nothing happened: \u201cWe had no domestic attacks\u00a0 under Bush.\u201d\u2014Rudy Giuliani<\/p>\n

May 1, 2003:<\/strong> The war in Iraq is won: \u201cMission Accomplished\u201d\u2014White\u00a0 House banner<\/p>\n

May, 2004:<\/strong> Abu Ghraib pranksters pull some funny ones: \u201cThis is no\u00a0 different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation \u2026 I\u2019m talking\u00a0 about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional\u00a0 release?\u201d\u2014Rush Limbaugh<\/p>\n

2006:<\/strong> The Rapture of Jesus Christ d\u00e9buts: \u201cWe are in the last\u00a0 days.\u201d\u2014Michele Bachmann<\/p>\n

2006:<\/strong> W.M.D. discovered: \u201cWe have found weapons of mass destruction in\u00a0 Iraq.\u201d\u2014Rick Santorum<\/p>\n

2009:<\/strong> The Department of Veteran Affairs institutes new cost-cutting\u00a0 policy: they have \u201ca manual out there telling our veterans\u2026 to commit\u00a0 suicide.\u201d\u2014Michael Steele<\/p>\n

2009:<\/strong> The $3,128 light switch tax begins: \u201c\u2026a series of new taxes,\u00a0 including a light switch tax that would cost every American household $3,128 a\u00a0 year.\u201d\u2014House Republican Conference<\/p>\n

2009:<\/strong> Obama strikes traditional motto from America\u2019s coins: \u201c \u2018In\u00a0 God We Trust\u2019 is Gone!\u201d\u2014Patriot Action Network<\/p>\n

2009:<\/strong> Michigan diversifies its legal system: \u201cThe judges in Dearborn\u00a0 are using, and allowing to be used, Shariah law.\u201d\u2014Representative Leo Berman<\/p>\n

2009:<\/strong> Democrats give preferential treatment to their base: The federal\u00a0 Hate Crime law would create \u201cspecial protection for pedophiles.\u201d\u2014Representative\u00a0 Steve King<\/p>\n

2010:<\/strong> Flying Jihad Terror Babies invade America: \u201cIt appeared they\u00a0 would have young women who became pregnant. They would get them into the United\u00a0 States to have a baby, they wouldn\u2019t even have to pay anything for the baby, and\u00a0 then they would return back where they could be raised and coddled as future\u00a0 terrorists.\u201d\u2014Representative\u00a0 Louie Gohmert<\/p>\n

2010:<\/strong> Drug dealers invade America: \u201cMexican drug cartels have seized\u00a0 control of at least two American ranches inside the U.S. territory near Laredo,\u00a0 Texas.\u201d\u2014Kimberly Dvorak<\/p>\n

2010:<\/strong> And form a beachhead in Arizona: \u201cOur law-enforcement agencies\u00a0 have found bodies in the desert, either buried or just lying out there, that\u00a0 have been beheaded.\u201d\u2014Governor Jan Brewer<\/p>\n

2011:<\/strong> Radiation cures cancer: \u201cThere is a growing body of evidence\u00a0 that radiation in excess of what the government says are the minimum amounts you\u00a0 should be exposed to are actually good for you and reduce cases of cancer.\u201d\u2014Ann\u00a0 Coulter<\/p>\n

2011:<\/strong> Fluorescent bulbs cause epilepsy: \u201c\u2026broken C.F.L. bulbs\u00a0 allegedly cause migraines and epilepsy attacks.\u201d\u2014Phyllis Schlafly<\/p>\n

2011:<\/strong> Windmills cause epilepsy: \u201cThe health risk of \u2018flicker\u2019 impact\u00a0 created by shadows of blades of turbines poses real and significant health\u00a0 risks, particularly seizures.\u201d\u2014Laurence Ehrhardt<\/p>\n

2011:<\/strong> Arabic is declared America\u2019s second language: \u201cSome of our\u00a0 state\u2019s educational administrators joined the feds in seeking to mandate Arabic\u00a0 classes for Texas children.\u201d\u2014Chuck Norris<\/p>\n

2011:<\/strong> Obama outlaws fishing: people \u201ccan\u2019t go fishing anymore because\u00a0 of Obama.\u201d\u2014Rush Limbaugh<\/p>\n

2011:<\/strong> Obama provides health insurance for dogs: \u201cIn the health care\u00a0 bill, we\u2019re now offering insurance for dogs.\u201d\u2014Glenn Beck<\/p>\n

2011:<\/strong> President George W. Bush kills Osama bin Laden: \u201cThanks to\u00a0 George Bush\u2026. Because if Obama had his way we wouldn\u2019t have gotten bin Laden,\u00a0 you know that.\u201d\u2014Sean Hannity<\/p>\n

To call these people retards would be an insult to the handicapped. I believe John Stuart Mill said it best…<\/p>\n

“I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it.”<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Stay in school kids.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is comedy gold. I have to thank Jack Hitt from thenewyorker.com for this list of political gems. Even though my brain hurt while reading them, I got a pretty good laugh. 1500s: The American Revolutionary War begins: \u201cThe reason we fought\u00a0 the revolution in the sixteenth century was to get away from that kind […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"sfsi_plus_gutenberg_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_show_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_type":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_alignemt":"","sfsi_plus_gutenburg_max_per_row":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[12,62],"tags":[296,441,80,198,52],"class_list":["post-2290","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news","category-politics","tag-conservatives","tag-liberals","tag-michele-bachmann","tag-mitt-romney","tag-sarah-palin"],"yoast_head":"\nA Conservative History of the United States ⋆ The Flow Check<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ryanmcbain.com\/flowcheck\/a-conservative-history-of-the-united-states\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Conservative History of the United States ⋆ The Flow Check\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This is comedy gold. 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